We are all bad, evil… in someone’s story. My great fear is conflict, misunderstanding, that I will disappoint someone, betray them, that I won’t be fair, okay… Fear of rejection, abandonment. It may be the result of some developmental trauma, it may be the result of peer bullying that I endured for most of elementary school… There may be a hundred and one causes and reasons if I were to dig endlessly to find an answer. I don’t know if that answer would bring me any relief, but it seems to me that the fear would still remain.
Let’s say that the past three years have certainly taken care of me disappointing some people in my life and work… it’s strange how difficult it has been for me. Sometimes it seems to me that it was harder for me than for them that I disappointed them… I am the type of person who will easily argue with a complete stranger, but when it comes to closer relationships – personal or professional, that’s where the problem arises. That’s where I get tangled up. I want to please, to appear okay, I endure and tolerate certain things, I don’t have clear boundaries, sometimes I don’t know what I want, what I need, I easily give in… and then it all accumulates, and I explode, say all sorts of things, offend, hurt, shout… I’m ashamed of that. I’m ashamed of that ultimate point that I know I can reach. I’m not proud of it at all.
Unfortunately, what often happens is that others notice it, so they also knew how to easily involve me in a whirlwind of manipulation to further make me feel guilty, to endlessly question myself, my reality, my truth… that tends to last forever with me. And sometimes those people simply vanish from my life, each with their own doubt about whether the other person knows how much that disappointment hurts.
It’s not easy when you have high expectations of yourself, when you want to be a role model of morality, correctness, and noble principles. When you want to be an example of something that doesn’t exist. When you want everyone to love you. When you want to act morally right towards everyone, etc. I wish someone had told me a few years ago that it was a failed mission… that there is nothing to it. At some point, you will have to disappoint, betray someone… and sometimes it will happen accidentally, unintentionally, and sometimes maybe consciously, deliberately out of some pain, despair, excessive endurance, and sometimes out of revenge… Unfortunately, sometimes to avoid hurting someone else, you will direct those feelings towards yourself, and all of that will lead you to sadness, anger, and bitterness towards yourself, the world, everyone… And bitterness kills. It eats you alive.
Recently, I read somewhere that I have the right to my truth, just as another person has the right to theirs. That somehow stuck with me. That there is no one truth. Perhaps on the path of our personal truths, we cannot meet, whether it’s because of different values, ways of thinking, upbringing, behavior, or whatever else, we cannot meet, we cannot love each other. We simply don’t love each other. Maybe we will disappoint, betray, and anger each other in a relationship in which life will somehow connect us –maybe just so that we can learn that each of us still has the right to their own truth and their own perspective.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for that relationship that obviously cannot happen is for each of us to go our own way with respect and with the “I wish you all the best in life” but obviously far away from me.
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And that is perfectly fine and sufficient for that relationship. We don’t have to expect everyone to love us, to think, speak, and feel good about us. There’s no need. Let’s be more modest, not expect the impossible from ourselves or others. Let’s allow each other to be different and respect that. Let’s part ways in time, each going their own way, before we become bad for each other, before we hurt each other and further destroy that relationship. There’s no need to smooth out every relationship and there’s no need for everyone to speak well of us. We are all bad in someone’s story. No matter how much we don’t want to hear it, that’s how it is. Someone doesn’t like us, someone doesn’t love us, someone gets on someone’s nerves, and what can we do… simply, those are not our people, and we are not theirs.
We have hurt, disappointed someone at some point… it’s good to be aware of that, as a lesson, as a life experience, for modesty and the desire to be better next time, both to ourselves and to others. And sometimes it will be inevitable no matter how much we avoid it, try not to do it, to anticipate and smooth things out, and that’s also okay.
Not all “crooked rivers” can be straightened… and that’s a lesson and that’s a teaching, after all, that’s life.
Read also about it’s okay to be lost
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